Sunday, 4 November 2007

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Knitter,

We understand that throughout the year 2007 you have been knitting socks (cf. "Year of the Foot"). Many of these socks have been created using a self-striping, superwash wool.

However, it has come to our attention that over the last two (2) weeks, you have knitted two (2) pairs of socks using a yarn that you described as "possum". You have freely and publicly admitted that the yarn you used for these socks contained at least forty (40) per cent possum yarn.

In addition, it is noted that you professed to "love" the socks made with this yarn, that it was your "new favourite", and that you described it as both "toasty" and "fuzzy".

We are greatly alarmed.

It pleases us that you conceded the position of possums as "vermin". You also proffered an amusing scenario describing possum shearing, which we appreciated, as you appear to have grasped the ridiculousness of such a possibility. We believe that these could be redeeming factors for you.
Nevertheless, the remainder of the yarn is still in your possession and we have heard from reliable sources that you intend to use it in a pair of gloves or handwarmers. This is reason enough for us to speak out.
Unlike the possum, we are bred for our wool, so that people like you can pursue your creative endeavours. There are few fibres, natural or otherwise, on earth that can match the properties of pure sheep's wool, be it for water-repellence, softness, ease of dyeing, or even the propensity not to burn.

We feel it would be timely to remind you of the hardships we endure on your behalf, year after year, to provide you with unlimited supplies of the knitting yarn that you now appear to shun.

We go cold, and humiliated, for your benefit. Within one week of our shearing, we are forced to overeat to such a degree that our skin thickens to compensate for the fleece we give with selfless generosity.
To hear that you are turning to possum yarn and extolling its virtues to others saddens and shocks us.
Your weak justification that your possum yarn also contains forty (40) per cent merino, is unsatisfactory.

We would like it understood that your future use of any merino, indeed, any yarn of less that 90% pure wool (10% nylon is permitted for elasticity) may result in further action on our part.

In conclusion:
Wool. One hundred per cent pure. You will do well to remember this.
Sheep, Inc.

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