Me: Let’s go to Toronto to hear some Authors!
Librarian Friends Ess and Dee: That’s awfully far, and we'll be up way past our usual bedtime.
Me: It is Justine Larbalestier and Scott Westerfeld.
Ess and Dee: Road trip!
In Toronto. We advance menacingly three-abreast on the Authors.
Me: *Hear myself say* I loved this awesome monkey knife fighting fairy mangosteen book you wrote. My favourite bit was the bobsled accident. It was tremendously funny and clever. I think you should also write one about the main characterʼs little sister. She was great.
Me: *apparently actually say* We brought you biscuits. They are the Australian Arnott’s biscuits I get from our local British/NZ/ Oz shop when I am homesick. However, it seems to me there are very few Australians/ Kiwis here because the Australian/ Kiwi stuff is all really old. I suspect these of being at the very least stale and possibly poisonous.
Justine Larbalestier: Um, thanks.
Dee: *gets out enormous pile of Scott Westerfeld’s books for him to sign. Cackles*. I’ve got forty three thousand books, and she brought biscuits. All we need is for Ess to ask you to pull her finger.
Ess: *faints with mortification at her two compatriots* I am a very shy person. Please don’t think I am anything like these two yahoos.
Scott Westerfeld: *sees that there are Advance Reading Copies in Dee’s enormous pile of books she has brought for him to sign* Hey, where did you get these?
We chorus: We’re librarians. We choose books for libraries. We bought your books for many libraries.
Justine Larbalestier and Scott Westerfeld: We generally like librarians.
Scott Westerfeld *to Ess, who also has ARCs*: Who should I sign these to (or 'to whom should I sign these'; I don’t want to put grammatically incorrect words in his mouth)?
Ess: *fainting in shyness* Ohhh…no…it’s ok – I am too shy to tell you my name. You could just sign them. No name.
Scott Westerfeld: *gives Ess the stink-eye* I strongly suspect you of going off to sell these on eBay.
Ess: *drops dead*
There was also a bit with a sock, which I won’t go into, because thanks to my camera battery going dead, there’s no evidence. But you can tell a lot about someone if they are willing to hold your sock-in-progress for a photo. It is an indication of their soundness, some would say, that they are willing to engage with you on a sock-holding level, especially if they already suspect you of going off to make gobs of cash from their signed ARCs.
A, Ess and Dee *being shepherded out by security*: Result. Now, when does Jaclyn Moriarty next come to Canada? I bet we can totally freak her the frack out.